The Past is in the Past

This picture was taken on a date night! Yes! A date night! At an actual restaurant out with no face masks. What I wouldn’t give to do that now! I just had to get that out of the way. However, that’s not what this post is about. As you read from the subject line and have probably heard this old adage before, “The Past is in the Past”. We’ve found that it’s especially important in our relationship and marriage and here’s why.

When we started Gottman therapy, the first thing we tackled were the Four Horseman. This is a metaphor that the Gottmans have used to label the most common communication styles used between couples that can predict the end of a relationship. I’m not going to go into the Four Horseman here, but I have linked it so you can definitely check out the four communication styles listed. When we were tackling the Four Horseman, it was very apparent that when giving examples of how each of us communicated when one of us felt hurt or angry or used language like “Well, he ALWAYS does that” and “She ALWAYS does this” we realized that we were living in past hurt. For example, in our sessions, I might have brought up what I thought were patterns of behavior I wanted to change in James. Our therapist was patient and listened, but also highlighted the fact that a lot of what I was describing wasn’t actually happening in the here and now in our marriage, it had already happened and it was hurt that I had internalized. Now, that’s not to say that hurt wasn’t valid. It very much is valid. However, if we want to work to foster a culture of respect, tolerance and appreciation with each other, I had to let some of that go and be in the present. Work from the present state of our marriage and not out of resentment.

In my first post on marital therapy, I mentioned that we had lost respect for each other. In order to gain that respect back, we had to start learning how to appreciate one another again. How that worked for me specifically is for example, I really worked on affirming with either compliments or showcasing appreciation. Not criticizing or reacting with contempt to a situation that might be a pattern of behavior that I’ve resented. For instance, “Thank you so much for dong that today that really helped me. I love how I can always count on you to be helpful” or “I know we are both extremely busy, but would you mind making sure the laundry is put up the same day we do it so it doesn’t pile up? I would really appreciate that. A neat and tidy bedroom is important to me.” Vs with the laundry as a basic example, “You always let the laundry pile up! Why don’t you ever put it away after it’s washed? It’s so annoying. It only takes a second, just do it.” The latter response is full of contempt and resentment which gets us nowhere. Instead, working from a place in the present means you just request what you would like in a respectful and loving manner and see if your partner can fulfill the request or compromise with you. I know working from this place has helped us a lot. Especially me because it allows us to build upon something vs. tearing it down.

Now, something interesting that we’ve come across is that there are some things in your marriage or in your relationship, you can’t push past and you can’t start from ground zero again. Especially when you’ve been together a long time. James and I have been together 14 years and just celebrated being married six. Plus, we got together when we were in our early twenties so we’ve really grown together, but also made selfish mistakes or had growing pains along the way that we’ve held onto. I really like how our therapist has dealt with something we can’t let go of or what she calls “Processing A Regrettable Incident”. The goal is to really listen to one another while discussing the incident. We use “I” statements and individually describe how we were feeling in the incident. Then, we discuss and validate each of our feelings. Feelings can’t be wrong. Each person has their own perspective and the positive that’s come out of that for me, is that I’ve sometimes learned something about James that I didn’t know and that’s helped me understand him better. This wasn’t easy for me at first though. I would really hold firm that I remembered something a specific way or I knew better, that I was essentially “right” when his feelings aren’t right and wrong. They just are. So, that’s been something I’m specifically working on. Finally, at the end, we figure out how each of us played a part in the incident and how we are going to repair and move forward. I found this to be a really healthy practice because you aren’t just avoiding it or saying let’s start over. You are processing it and then, trying to repair.

This is just one aspect of our marriage counseling journey that we are on that I wanted to share. If your marriage or relationship is challenging at times or goes through dark periods, you aren’t alone. We’ve been there. We are still there sometimes. The important thing is that both people want to keep being in the relationship and especially in marriage, want to fight to preserve that union and keep it strong. As we pass our sixth wedding anniversary and work towards our seventh, I’m so grateful that James and I continue to choose one another, continue to want to grow together and love one another.