Angel Baby
Today I’m writing this post because it’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I experienced my first miscarriage exactly two months ago. Like so many women and mothers, as soon as we found out we were expecting, I was elated. It was a bit of surprise because we really hadn’t planned on it, meaning we weren’t “actively trying” nor were we “not trying”. It was a “if it happens, great” type of situation. I didn’t track my ovulation like so many women do to actively get pregnant. And it happened. It was such a blessing because we knew we wanted a second child. It was actually almost a moment of disbelief because it happened quite quickly. As soon as we threw caution to the wind, I was expecting. It was the same way with Veena too. I know that’s pretty lucky in itself since so many women even struggle to get pregnant.
I could tell immediately that this pregnancy was different than my first. I had a fairly “easy” pregnancy with Veena. I was really tired and towards the end especially ready for her to be out of my body since I was heavy and bloated, but overall, it was completely joyful and I felt wonderful. Again, not the typical. This time around, I had all the symptoms everyone speaks of, extreme nausea, very tired (like I was the first time), had to pee constantly and just overall, very, very sick. However, I was still happy and when it came time for our first appointment that we made at 8 weeks, we were pumped for the first ultrasound. I remember my doctor, Dr. Weiss, wheeling in the ultrasound machine and all I could think of is I get to see our baby. Right now. it’s actually a very cool thing. I still marvel that we have the technology to do it. She put the gel on my stomach and then, started pressing my abdomen with the ultrasound wand. A picture came up and there was our baby. However, I knew something was wrong when Dr Weiss took a deep breath and said “hmmm” under her breath. Word to the wise, it’s never a good sign when a doctor mumbles “hmmm”. I also was looking, along with James and of course, I saw what she saw, which was there was no flicker of a heartbeat. She kept examining me and said it looked like maybe I was a bit too early and perhaps my calculations were off. Maybe I wasn’t 8 weeks. She pulled the wand away and told us not to worry that sometimes people miscalculate and to come back the following week.
I started tearing up, but Dr. Weiss was really reassuring and James, ever the optimist also had faith that it was likely a miscalculation and let’s just wait until next week and we’ll see the heartbeat. I so wanted to believe that too. So I did. The following week came and we repeated the same process, but this time Dr. Weiss didn’t mumble a “hmmm”. She was very definitive in her response that I had what they call a missed miscarriage. This is where your baby has died, but your body hasn’t physically miscarried yet. I immediately started crying and James who was next to me put his hand on my back. Dr. Weiss handed me some tissues and explained to me my options. I had three. I could either wait to miscarry naturally which might take up to 3-4 weeks she said. I could take medication that would help me miscarry at home which apparently might involve intense bleeding and cramping for possibly up to two weeks. The final option, was a D & C (dilation and curretage), a brief surgical procedure that would require me to come into the hospital and the whole experience would be about 4 hours in the hospital and a pretty quick recovery period. The surgical procedure does require anesthesia so you aren’t awake during the process. She advised if I chose the D & C option that she suggests women do it on a Friday so they have the weekend to rest and recuperate so they can go back to work on Monday. I didn’t want to choose any of these options. I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing.
Ultimately, I ended up choosing the D & C, but so many women choose one of the other options. My initial instinct was I wanted to just wait for it to happen naturally, but I didn’t know if I could endure emotionally just waiting for it to happen. Everyone is different though so it’s good to have options so you can make the right choice for you. I ended up getting two more ultrasounds to make sure it was real and that there was no medical error. Even the morning of the D & C, I still had faith that maybe there was a mistake and that they would do an ultrasound and send me home because they found the heartbeat. No such luck.
What I will say about that day in the hospital, as devastating as it was for us (James was of course, with me the entire time) was that the team of medical/healthcare professionals I was surrounded by were so kind and empathetic. My surgeon, Dr. Reddy came in and spoke to me before I went into the OR asking if I had any final questions. She had already spent about a hour in her office the day before when I got my Covid test answering questions and comforting me. The anesthesia part made me nervous because I hate going under for anything. She was very reassuring as was the anesthesiologist I met along with his team. The nurses were kind and loving. I had the procedure done at Weil Cornell which is a teaching hospital so, the resident who was going to be in the procedure came and introduced himself and was warm and comforting as well. It really makes a difference when you are going through something so emotional to have people who really care and it’s not just another part of their day.
The kindest moment though was when I was in the OR, everything was prepped, I was on the surgical bed and I asked once more to get an ultrasound. No one was exasperated or frustrated that at the last minute, I wanted to be 100% sure. Instead, Dr. Reddy calmly had the ultrasound machine brought in and we did one final one. Still no heartbeat. I broke down and they asked if I was ready to get started and softly through tears, I said “yes”. The anesthesiologist said she was getting started and I was still crying pretty hard. As I drifted off, the nurses and everyone there were rubbing my arms and giving me reassuring pats. Dr. Reddy put a hand on my leg and told me it’s ok to cry. It’s going to be ok. I’m so grateful to them that as I was falling asleep that was the last thing I remember. Their reassuring voices and comforting touch.
When I woke up, apparently I kept checking to see if James was in the room. He was. I don’t really remember that. After I was cleared to go home, we came back and Veena was blissfully playing with our caregiver, Julia. That was really hard for me trying to act upbeat because she knew I was at the doctor and asked me if I was feeling better. I said, yes, but I was just tired and James said, “Mommy needs to rest, ok?”. We were so thankful to have such a loving caregiver to look after Veena. Since we don’t have family close by, it means so much to have someone we can trust and help us especially during times of need. The next two weeks I had bleeding off and on and I had cramping for the first 3 days. More than anything I felt emotionally devastated. I was so sad.
Part of why Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance Day is so important is that it removes the stigma to talk about your loss. Miscarriage especially in the first trimester can be such an isolating experience because it’s so early in the pregnancy that lots of couples don’t tell anyone or just close family and that’s it. We were looking forward to sharing the news with our families after that first appointment, but obviously had to share different news with them. I was so grateful that one of my closest friends had gone through one and had told me when it happened to her years ago. I called her right when I found out the news and she was a touchstone throughout the whole experience. I’m so, so grateful I had her support, her guidance and understanding. I also confided in another one of my best friends and she told me she had one herself. I never knew that, so, we somewhat bonded further discussing our losses.
James and I leaned into one another and comforted each other. At the beginning, it was hard because we grieved differently, but we got to a place where we both gave space for one another and comforted each other. I’m so grateful that I had him to go through this with and that we share this together. Veena was also a welcome distraction with her energetic nature though it was challenging to keep up with her or give all the attention I needed to on my saddest days.
1 in 4 women have them so even though it’s not a club I would wish any woman to belong to, it is something that’s quite common. It happens to women of all ages and couples of all ages. I remember I kept racking my brain trying to think of how it happened. What did I do? Was it that Advil I took for my shoulder pain when I didn’t know I was pregnant? Was I not taking care of myself properly? I don’t sleep a ton. I should have drank more water. I should have been healthier. I felt so guilty and I just wanted to know how it happened.
We ended up opting into getting our baby tested to see what the results would come back with and I wanted to know the gender. It turns out that we had a little boy. A sweet little boy. My angel boy. It gave me some closure knowing that we had a boy. I feel like I can picture him and that gives me comfort. One day, I have faith that maybe I’ll get to meet him and hold him. I think maybe my Lucy, who was my beloved dog and best friend will be with him by her rainbow bridge, among the lavender and sunshine, looking after him until I can see them both again.
Tonight, we’ll be doing the Wave of Light where people around the world light a candle at 7pm. These candles are lit in memory of the babies who have left us too soon. It’s such a beautiful concept and it’s really nice that something like this exists.
One thing I wanted to leave you with is the comforting items I received from my family that you might want to send to someone if they are going through a loss. My Dad and sister sent me this Spoonful of Comfort Box that had tomato soup, rolls and chocolate chip cookies. It was really nice not having to think about cooking something to eat or even ordering something. It was easy for James too, to warm up and bring it to me in bed when I was resting and taking it easy. It made me feel really taken care of. They also added cozy socks and a lavender scented heating pillow. My other sister sent me a beautiful necklace from Dear Ava. It’s a beautiful piece that I can wear close to my heart.
Of course, these gifts didn’t take away the pain, but they did make me feel loved and I appreciated them so much. I only confided in a few friends and one sent flowers, another a card, but mostly the text messages or calls checking in on me meant a lot. Most people never know what to say. I think just a simple: I’m here for you, I’m thinking about you and I love you is the best. If you need support outside of your family or friend circle, PALS: Pregnancy After Loss Support might be of some help.
Today, I’m thinking of all those women who are in this crappy club and holding them in my heart. If you are reading this and you know the pain of this loss, I’m so sorry and I’m sending you all my love and light. Please feel free to reach out to me if you need a listening ear or a comforting word. All we can do is be there for one another and remember our dear angel babies whose lives were short, but so very meaningful. Embracing love and remembering my boy today and everyday.
