Hello Marital Therapy!

I know, I know, this seems like a heavy one for my first post on my marriage, but I just thought I'd put it all out there. My husband, James, and I have been together 13 years and married for five. This picture is actually from our engagement party! We were friends before we got married so it was nice to have that foundation as we moved through our relationship.  Being friends, def. helped us get through a lot of challenges and ups and downs like any relationship has.  However, after having our daughter, things changed for us.  As some of you who are parents can empathize, it's a whole new dynamic to adjust to, not only in terms of this new person in your life. Roles shift, change and grow within your own marriage.  

James and I found that even though we were constantly together as a family with our daughter, trying to spend time together and nurture our relationship with her, we forgot to nurture ours.  Obviously, I know this is a common thing couples go through especially when adding children to the mix, but for some reason, it came as a big surprise to me. We've weathered lots of ups and downs where we felt distant from each other or weren't connecting. What was different here? Yes, balancing new roles, that was def. part of it. BUT, the big one, the biggest thing in our relationship that was actually gone completely was our friendship. How do you lose a friendship? I mean we see each other all the time, we interact all the time, how does it go away? Well, our active listening, our respect for one another, our having fun exclusively together was pretty much null.  We did a lot of caregiving of our daughter or each other as parents, but not of each other as individuals. We forgot what that intimacy felt like.  Hence, therapy. 

A close friend of mine introduced me to the Gottmans, a married couple, both psychologists who have studied relationships for over 40 years! I mean, 40 years? They've gotta know something, right? And boy, do they.  Check out their work here if you have never heard of them.

Thank goodness we were introduced to the Gottmans and their work. I devoured their literature and realized the Four Horsemen they talk about were in our relationship. Both of us exhibited different ones, but very present.  You'll see a lot of upcoming blog posts  in this section on how we are doing as we are now seeing a Gottman therapist and in Gottman Method Therapy.  It has changed our relationship and it is still changing/growing.  We are finding our friendship again and renewing the respect we need to have for one another.

Now, you may be reading this and scoffing at marital therapy. If you are, do def. stick around for these posts because I do hope to share some of the ways in which we are changing.  If your marriage is in a dark place, confusing place or broken place, you may want to hear how we are pushing through. I know societally it can be tricky when it comes to your marriage and wanting to act like everything is fine. I understand that pressure deeply.  However,  I truly believe it's not a failure to ask for help when you need it. We needed it.  Feel free to drop me a personal message or a comment below if this resonates with you.